Prep for Mother's Day

I have to prep myself for Mother's Day.  Since we lost Ethan, I can hardly handle sitting in church and seeing all the kids sing.  I tend to get the thoughts like:  "This is unfair. All my kids should be up there too!"  I start asking "Why?"  This year seems like it will be easier because my mind is so preoccupied with other things that I don't let myself get to the grief as much as a used to.  However, I am never sure how I am going to react?? How will I really take it?  I looked back over my blog a little tonight and realized how far my life has come since I started recording my thoughts.  But, I do miss how much time I spent just concentrating on my family.  Because of medical reasons for Madilyn, I have taken on part time work.  That is not a bad thing; I really enjoy it, but it takes away from the time I spent just being here for the kids.  It's a good balance for me, but my focus was definitely different.  I need some of my focus back.