Madilyn-isms

Madilyn said when getting out of the tub, "Ohhhh, I forgot to wash my hair.  I'm sorry, mom. My mind just keeps thinking about my party tomorrow."

She said after getting out of the tub the second time (two times because of forgetting to wash hair), "Since tomorrow is a special day for me, can I sleep in my bathrobe?"

Two things:  I didn't know the bathrobe was so special, AND I didn't know "the last day of school eve" was so special either. 

I need to get with it.

Morning chores.  Love that this girl can unload a dishwasher.

Morning piano practice last day of school.

I Realized

Last night...

As I sat rocking Brady to sleep tonight, I had a moment of realization.  I was getting a little frustrated because he was over tired and I just wanted him to go to sleep.  I realized as I calmed down, so did he. 

At first I had been impatient to have him fall asleep so I could "get on with everything I had to do."  However, after he fell asleep, I just stayed and rocked him for a while.  I looked at that beautiful little face and realized how perfect he is.  He is just a tiny spirit from a loving Father in Heaven that I need to help be the best he can be. 

I realized also "this is only a short time."  Yes, a short time on earth.  But, more importantly, right now its a short time that I will be able to rock him like this. I spent those few extra minutes tonight just letting him know in quiet whispers (because he finally fell asleep) how much I loved him.  Its only a short time I get him like this.  I will treasure it.

This was not Brady tonight, but its how he "does" Book Club with me.

Little Comments

It's interesting how little comments are the ones where I feel the hurt the most.  Its strange because I will be doing just fine, and a little side comment makes me miss my boy and feel sad, almost to tears.

For example, as I was driving kids to school this morning, the kids in the car were talking about the kickball game the school does yearly between the 6th graders and the teachers.  All the kids look forward to watching this even if they are just a kindergartener.  I remember Ethan LOVING this day.

One of the kids said this morning, "Time the 6th graders after Mr. MacLay kicks it and see how long it takes them to get it."

That simple comment almost sent me over the edge.  Weird.  But, all I could think about was how much Ethan would brag about how Mr. MacLay could kick SOOOO far.  One day he come home from school and was so excited about it and said, "Mr. MacLay kicks harder than DAD!"  (Little bruise to "dad's" ego)

These moments are ones that make me miss him the most.  Little moments.

Here's this Kid...

Here's this Kid...

Love him.

He needs my attention a lot! 

However, I have made that problem.

He's really sweet.

Yet, when I left him last week (two different nights), he wasn't as sweet.

He cried the WHOLE time I was gone.



But, he just loves his mom.

I love him.

He has helped me to know I could love again!

Thanks, Brady!



It's Okay to Forget

As I start each new week, there is something I always have to remind myself.  I constantly remind myself that its okay that Ethan died.  I have to do this self talk to get through.  I am hoping some day it doesn't have to be as often. 

I don't wake up crying or continue being sad all day, but I do think about Ethan every single day.   I think about what he might be doing today, where he might be going, what he is able to think about us, and any other thing someone might want to know about their child.  

Just like I think about all of my children, I think about Ethan.  He is a driving force for how I live my life.  I want to see him again someday.  I want my children to know how much he loved them and I want us to never forget.

I guess that's the fear we live with.  We don't want to forget.

Some wise words from my sister-in-law months ago:  "You need to let yourself know its okay to forget."

This sister-in-law lost two daughters in a car accident a few years back.  I love that she told me this, because it makes it easier as I try to climb back into the dark parts of my brain to remember ALL of Ethan's life.  I just don't.  I wish I could remember more.  But, I am learning to let myself know its okay to forget.

Life is a Test

"Life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do."

Fun quote from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.

Life is only a test.  We can be instructed where to go and what to do.  However, we need to live close to the Lord to have our own personal inspiration.  I am thankful for the opportunity of any instruction on how to figure out life.

Don't Count the Days. Make the Days Count.

My friend, Kim, asked me to give a talk in their Relief Society (women's ) meeting last night.  I have known about it for a while and was excited to do it.  I love talking and sharing my testimony of the gospel!

I entitled it Don't count the days. Make the days count.  I did this mainly because I used to literally count the days with Ethan.  Now, I want to make the days count with my kids!  Kim asked me to share how my perspective has changed since losing Ethan.  I didn't realize how much my perspective had changed until I was preparing.

A few points I shared:
(I'd share the whole talk if I'd ever write it out. But, it was an hour long.  Who wants to read an hour long post?)

--We are all children of God.
--Pray specifically for each child.
--LOVE your children.
--You can't OVER love them!
--Help your children find their way through this crazy world.
--Work together AND play together.
--2 Nephi 2:26 And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Chirst, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may nknow to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

Here's what I ended with:

"It's interesting how my worries changed.  After Ethan passed, I didn't worry about what toys he had or if there were enough presents on his birthday.  But, I did worry about whether I helped in making him the person he needed to be to live with his Father in Heaven again."

So true.

A special shout out to my friend, Becky, who is my moral support when I speak in other wards!  Thank you!!