Jealousy

I saw an old friend the other day and shared with her these stories.  Now, they don't sound as silly.  Thanks to my cute friend of 19 years for listening!  It was a great breakfast :)

I still find myself jealous of certain aspects of people's lives.  I don't like that I have these feelings.  I am sure they are natural, but it doesn't make me like it.

First, I am jealous of missionary homecomings.  Weird, I know.  As missionaries in our church leave for their missions moms are sad because for two years they only receive letters from their sons except for on Christmas and Mother's Day when the missionary can call home. I am not sure why the homecoming effects me so much.  Maybe, because I don't know when I will have my homecoming with my little guy?  He has been gone for three years now on a type of mission.  I haven't received any letters or Christmas and Mother's Day calls, just memories.  I had a friend tell me the other day how when her son came home from her mission that was the best day of her life --it was right up there with having her babies and getting married.  I was genuinely happy for her, but sadly  my thoughts were:  I wish I knew how that felt to see my son again after two years.  I don't think that's what I should've been thinking, but I seem to not be able to help where my thoughts sometimes go....

Second, I am jealous of those families with lots of kids.  This is truly strange to me because I don't even handle my children very well, let alone more :)  I know right after losing Ethan I would look at families with like 8 kids and think:  Why couldn't they lose one?  They have more to spare.  Now, no judging me because I wouldn't really wish losing a child on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  But, I did have these thoughts and continue to have a little twinge of jealousy when others have lots of children.

I share these two things because they seem to happen more often than I would hope.  Writing this today was spurred on because of a video on facebook going around about an emotional reunion between a missionary and a mom.  I want to watch it.  It looks great, but I can't do it.

I really am a person that his happy for other people.  I want others to be happy and live good lives.  But, I want to be real with how I handle things.  Three years later I didn't think I would still be thinking some of the same things.