As I Break Down...

As I take time to break down this morning, I am realizing grief really grabs you when you least expect it.  I should expect it this week, but because of our Errands for Ethan and the happiness that brings I wasn't expecting the sadness I am experiencing.  It is almost overwhelming, and I am very less effective at everything else I am trying to do.

It was bittersweet putting together the boxes last night for a couple of reasons.  First, as I told my sister this morning, I want to be my friend.  I want to be the one excited to donate, share and offering to help.  I don't want to be the one to have the reason to put something together.  I don't want to be the one with the sad story.  I wish with all my heart I could change that part of Errands for Ethan.  But, I can't.  I have to know I am doing my best to get through a really tough thing.  It is ongoing.  It will always be hard.  However, I know it has made me a better person in so many ways.  But, that brings up another point:  Why did I have to have this to be that better person?  So many questions at trying times...  Second, I get mad.  We were working so well together as a family, but I was crabby last night.  I realized the more emotion I tried to ignore, the more upset or angry I become.  I had to let myself cry.

So, that is what I did.  I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep.

Again, I don't want to be the one that has to cry herself to sleep.  I don't want to be the one who has to write something down to work through her day.  But, as I do, I realize how much I am loved.  I feel Heavenly Father's love for a very not-so-perfect person.  I know He loves me.  I know He wants me to better.  I know He has a plan for our beautiful family.  I know these things, and I find comfort in that.  I love how many people show their love for our family by being our friends and by being the ones excited to donate, share and offer help.  I love that these friends still grieve with us after three years.  Three years sounds like a long time to some, but in grief it can feel like yesterday.  I love that these friends know that we still need them.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited we have such a fun project to donate to the hospital.  I loved gathering and putting it all together.  We will definitely do it again.

Now, it's time to go and think about others so I can get out of this little rut I find myself in.