Tuesday, March 25, 2014

As I Break Down...

As I take time to break down this morning, I am realizing grief really grabs you when you least expect it.  I should expect it this week, but because of our Errands for Ethan and the happiness that brings I wasn't expecting the sadness I am experiencing.  It is almost overwhelming, and I am very less effective at everything else I am trying to do.

It was bittersweet putting together the boxes last night for a couple of reasons.  First, as I told my sister this morning, I want to be my friend.  I want to be the one excited to donate, share and offering to help.  I don't want to be the one to have the reason to put something together.  I don't want to be the one with the sad story.  I wish with all my heart I could change that part of Errands for Ethan.  But, I can't.  I have to know I am doing my best to get through a really tough thing.  It is ongoing.  It will always be hard.  However, I know it has made me a better person in so many ways.  But, that brings up another point:  Why did I have to have this to be that better person?  So many questions at trying times...  Second, I get mad.  We were working so well together as a family, but I was crabby last night.  I realized the more emotion I tried to ignore, the more upset or angry I become.  I had to let myself cry.

So, that is what I did.  I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep.

Again, I don't want to be the one that has to cry herself to sleep.  I don't want to be the one who has to write something down to work through her day.  But, as I do, I realize how much I am loved.  I feel Heavenly Father's love for a very not-so-perfect person.  I know He loves me.  I know He wants me to better.  I know He has a plan for our beautiful family.  I know these things, and I find comfort in that.  I love how many people show their love for our family by being our friends and by being the ones excited to donate, share and offer help.  I love that these friends still grieve with us after three years.  Three years sounds like a long time to some, but in grief it can feel like yesterday.  I love that these friends know that we still need them.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited we have such a fun project to donate to the hospital.  I loved gathering and putting it all together.  We will definitely do it again.

Now, it's time to go and think about others so I can get out of this little rut I find myself in.

7 comments:

  1. Hi Kim. Thanks for sharing. I think about you a lot and am sending prayers and hugs to you.

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  2. I wish I knew what to say to bring comfort, the thought of your pain is overwhelming to me. Know how much I love you and your family.

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  3. Kim...I so appreciate you sharing your feelings at this time. I know it's hard. And you are SO right in that you are very loved. My heart still aches for you & your family. Ethan will always be missed & we love that we can participate in the Errands for him to honor him and all of you. I came across a quote the other day that says "the wound is where His light comes in". I love that thought & imagery. And I love you. Hugs!

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  4. Just thinking of you Kim and praying for you.
    Jenny

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  5. Kim. I love your honesty and have always taken your sweet testimony to heart.

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  6. Kim, you guys are one of my most favorite families. Love you!

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  7. I am struck by your honest "why" question. I have a brother and two grandchildren who were also taken as small ones. I can't help but to share what has been for me one of the most profoundly influential doctrines from the Gospel that helps me.
    See the LAST HALF of this BYU devotional by Neal A. Maxwell. Scroll down to the paragraph that states: "Have I come today only to add one more to the already long list of special challenges faced by you and me? Not really. I have also come to say to you that God, who foresaw all challenges, has given to us a precious doctrine which can encourage us in meeting this and all other challenges."

    http://speeches.byu.edu/index.php?act=viewitem&id=909

    I promise you that as you ponder the scriptures and statements he shared at BYU that day that you will receive more answers to your "why" questions as have I.
    God bless you.
    Rod

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