Easter

I have realized that Easter is HARD for me.  I should just celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ and know that because of Him we can live again and be with our loved ones we have lost.  I do celebrate it. But, because of the theme of the day--death and resurrection-- it is all hard to take in.  The time of year, the theme of the day and the spirit felt in church I can hardly stop crying.  That makes two Sundays in a row where the tears just didn't stop flowing.  Actually, the week before Easter was a LITTLE harder for me.  I think in the future I may go out of town on Easter and Mother's Day.  So far, those have been the most difficult days, both times around (technically it was the third Easter, but the first was a blur).

As I sit here and continue to think about Ethan a lot I wonder if this will continue?  Will I always think about him daily?  I pray for him daily, so I probably will.  I just wish it didn't hurt so deeply.  Because it's deep, it doesn't feel like it will ever go away.  I catch myself looking away from his picture sometimes because if I look at it too long I can feel it.  I catch myself watching what I say to friends because I don't want to sound "weird."  I judge myself by how I have judged others in the past.  I used to think those who talked about the death of family members years later were a little weird.  But, I can't help it.  I think about Ethan every day and pray for him daily. It is my goal to continue to be happy until I see him again.  I am not sad EVERY day, but I still feel the pain.  I find myself wishing it wasn't TWO years ago so others could understand better how much I still need to talk about him.  When someone asked why I was crying two weeks ago, it made me cry more.  They had already forgotten.  I am sure they hadn't forgotten, but it wasn't in the forefront of their minds??  This was another realization for me.  It is my reality, not theirs.  I live with it every day--day in and day out.  For others it was two whole years ago.  This two years feels like weeks to me.  I honestly cannot believe it's been that long.

I started this blog as a way to write about my grief.  It is the one place I don't feel bad for sharing because if others don't want to read it, they don't have to click on it.  As I look at the last couple of years in my life, I realize it is my faith that has sustained me. I don't know where I would be without my beliefs.  Regardless of whether others have the same beliefs as me or not, I know there is a God who loves us.  Life sometimes really seems like it sucks, but God wants us to learn while we are on earth and be happy.  He wants the best for us.  I know we will see great things happen in our lives, and we will see how the challenge of losing Ethan has helped us become better.  I also know that life isn't easy.  I will continue to have hard times just like everyone else.  However, I now have been blessed with a different perspective on life.

Life is short.  Be happy.  Know there is a God who loves you.