I have a hard time expressing when things are difficult. With my husband being out of town and having all the parenting responsibilities to myself, I become tired. When I am tired, my emotions seem to rule over me. As these emotions rule, I get angry. And, in the end, I am not a nice person to my poor family. (I'm sure I am still nice--just not my normal nice)
There is a certain spot I can get to where I FEEL Ethan missing. If I ever feel this, it is a literal tug at the heart. Its almost as if I feel that pain again. I think sometimes I search for that pain--just to make sure I can still feel it. I get to this spot a lot when I am tired and just WANT to be sad. If I get there, I tend to let the anger stay for a bit. Its in these moments I have to remind myself that Ethan is in a better place and probably watching over me more than he could here. I also have to remind myself of God's plan, not mine. I remind myself to be happy too. There tends to be a lot of reminding at this point.
Its interesting the plans I have made for my life. They don't seem to always match ups with God's?? Weird. That's where faith comes in.
thank you for this sweet post. A friend of mine shared your blog with me. I lost my only son 7 months ago and know about the tug that you speak of. I also understand the anger, and the peace, and the confusion, and the difficult emotions of grief. You are inspiring. Thank you for sharing your experience. I have also been writing and you are welcome to read my blog. inthequietheartishidden.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteJulie-Thank you. I came across your blog the other day. I love reading what you write and I am so sorry for your loss. I love the name of your blog. Very appropriate.
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