I Didn't Have the Strength to Mother

I just read the book Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson nieniedialogues.blogspot.com.  What a book of hope and knowing her true divine nature as a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.  There was a paragraph I wanted to share because it struck me about how I felt with Ethan.  Totally different circumstance, but the same feelings.  It had been months since she had seen or heard her children.

"I longed to hear their little voices, to listen to their laughter and stories.  I wanted to ask them about their Halloween costumes and their new friends.  I wanted to feel their boundless energy and soak up their natural wonder for life.  I wanted nothing more than to speak to my children, but it was impossible for me as getting out of bed.  I was sure I didn't have the strength to do it.  My identity and confidence as a mother had been stripped away.  I felt worthless and so terribly incapable."

Our circumstances were no where near the same, however, I still long to hear Ethan's voice and laughter.  I pull out videos when possible.  I want to ask him about his new friends and what he is doing.  I also felt that after I lost Ethan I did lose my identity and I did not feel capable.  I didn't have the strength to mother.  I felt at times I wasn't worthy to be a mom anymore.  I obviously wasn't worthy enough for the miracle of keeping Ethan here, so I wasn't worthy enough to be a mother to my other children either.

I struggled with this for a while, but now I know those feelings are just a natural part of grieving a loss.  I am worthy to be a mother. I am so grateful to have my children and to be blessed to raise them.  I am grateful for having my identity and knowing I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father and His plan is what will make me the best person.  His miracle is still working; it just wasn't to have Ethan stay with us.  Some day I will be grateful for having this grief in my life because I will see how it formed me into the person I hope to become.