This THURSDAY last year was March 10. It was Ethan and Parker's Track and Field Day. I was already on Spring Break with Madilyn. I was planning on going to Track and Field, but I didn't have any place for Madilyn and I was so tired. Something kept bugging me to go, but I ignored it and didn't go. To this day, I am so sad I missed one of Ethan's last days at school. I wish I would've just shown up so I could have enjoyed it. I never had had the desire to go before, but I did last year and now I know why. I think I was supposed to have been there. I feel so guilty. I try not to, but I am not sure that will ever go away. Here are a few pictures from Ethan's last track and field. I am grateful to whoever took these pictures and gave them to me.
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| Ethan's at the front in the black shirt with the blue and white striped shorts. |
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| Ethan in the back with the blue and white striped shorts. His shoes were untied--ALWAYS!! |
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| Ethan loved the tug of wars! He really got into them. |
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Ethan in the back.
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| Ethan looking a little thoughtful at the front. His shoe is tied :) |
Today is Madilyn's track and field. I am too emotional to be on campus. I'm emotional any day on campus because I always see a friend of his, but to show up to track and field this year will probably put me over the edge. So, I have decided to sit it out. I should be going, but emotions are just too close to the surface this month. I'm hoping there is no guilt after this decision.
I can't believe sometimes that these pictures were just last year. I can't believe he was okay and running around! I guess I always thought losing a child would come by an accident or being sick for a while. I supposed I could constitute his hemorrage (sp?) as an accident? It just still seems strange that he was running around and being crazy up until the last minute. He had never had a headache, never complained, and was never sick. Looking at these pictures (last ones taken of him) makes me sad.
Oh Kim. There truly are no words. But please don't feel guilty. I know Ethan wouldn't want you to agonize over those little things. Love you!
ReplyDeleteOh Kim, I am so sorry that you have guilt over days like this one. I am sure that is only human but you are an incredible mother! Ethan is so lucky to have you as his mother! Think of all the times you were there - at sports, plays, church stuff - even when it would have been much easier to stay home. Give yourself a break for this one time.
ReplyDeleteMy Ethan's shoes are always untied too!! Must be something about 7 year olds boys named Ethan -too busy playing to bother with dumb stuff like shoelaces!
Hi Kim. I wrote to you during those first days while Ethan was still in the hospital. We have never met, but I just wanted you to know that I think about you and your family often. Just so that's not too creepy, I would like you to know that I am Cara's daughter-in-law. I married Daniel.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you that I haven't read your blog much, not because I don't care or because you're not a great writer. In my opinion, anything written from the heart is great writing. I am just still going through my own grieving process. I lost a dear dear friend several years ago and still cry about it often. I still feel sad. I hope this isn't too forward of me, I just really needed to share this with you. Please accept that you feel guilty and allow yourself to feel the guilt. That might be the opposite of what seems intuitive to say to you, but it's what is most helpful, coming from my own journey. Whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, allow it to come, invade you, even. One day, perhaps, I'll write about my grieving story too, but for now, I'll just think about my friend and share with people like you whenever I feel the urge.
I also just wanted to let you know that eventually it gets easier. It never goes away, but it gets bearable. I'm sure losing a child is more painful than losing a best friend, but in either case, time helps the wound. If you feel so inclined you can check me out on facebook. I think we're friends on there. Also, there is a support group for grieving parents, you many already know about it as it is based out of Phoenix, but it is called the MISS foundation http://www.misschildren.org/
I have read some writings from the group's founder, Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, and what she has said about the grief process has really been helpful to me and if you choose to check out the foundation, I think it could be helpful for you as well.
Sincerely, Alice Long