He behaved himself.

Here's a trip to Sea World when the boys were little.  I would guess this is around 2005.  (Parker 4, Ethan 2)  Who knows?  They may be 3 and  1.  Either way, how cute are they?

Last year on this THURSDAY--Thursday, March 17, I left for New York City to join Marcus and Parker for the weekend.  I left around 4 am.  I had had Madilyn and Ethan leave on Weds. to Cynthia's so I didn't have to take them so early in the morning on this Thursday.  In some ways now, I wish I would've just spent those early hours taking them there.  It would've been difficult, but in retrospect I wanted to have shared any more moments with Ethan.  However, its at times like these I remind myself I didn't know he was going to die.  If I had, I would've done things differently.  But, since I didn't know I just tried to be logical about not driving a 1/2 an hour in the opposite direction of the airport at 4 am.

I only talked to Ethan twice on the phone over this weekend, so I don't have too many memories of my own.  I will share a few from others.

Madilyn shared a couple from that weekend.  Madilyn did say to me once, "Remember when Ethan and I were sad when Daddy went to New York?  Its because we ONLY had you."  Thanks Madilyn.

Madilyn said to Cynthia, "Remember when Ethan and I fell from the hammock?"  I guess Ethan had fallen while sitting in the hammock at Cynthia's.

Madilyn also reminded Cynthia, "Last time I slept here (upstairs in Cynthia's house), Ethan and I slept out here."  She mentioned this while pointing to the couches.

I love Madilyn's little memories.  Because she is so young, she won't have too many memories of her own, so I like to write them down for her.  Most of her memories are associated with videos, but I'll still write as many as she says.

Cynthia (this is my one and only sister for those who don't know) mentioned to me that Ethan was very obedient when she had him this weekend.  It is noteable because he used to be the child nobody really wanted to watch.  I could call people and say, "Will you watch my kids?  It'll only be Parker and Madilyn."  They would jump at that.  Watching my kids while having Ethan there wasn't nearly as easy. 

Ethan had taken his xbox and games with him to Cynthia's house.  Cynthia let him play while her kids napped or when Uncle Creston came home and would play with him.  Ethan did everything Cynthia asked before he played his games.  He listened well.

Creston told me when they were playing Madden 10 that he would tell Ethan he was going to call Drew to find out how to beat him.  Ethan would yell back, "You can't call Drew!  That's cheating.  He knows how to beat me!  You can't call him!"  (or something to that effect)  Creston loved to get a rise out of Ethan.  Who wouldn't?  He was fun that way! (Just writing down how Ethan yelled that back makes me smile :))

As I deal with my pain each day, its amazing how deep it is.  I try to find it some days to have a good cry, but I can't always find it.  I've explained a few times that the fact he actually died is almost impossible to wrap my brain around.  I think there is something that just doesn't let me fully grasp it.  I also think that since his spirit lives on, it doesn't feel like he's gone.  I just like to know he's not with us right now and we'll see him again before we know it.  I also feel its a tender mercy from a Heavenly Father to know we will see him again.  How thankful I am for that. (I may mention this daily--it gets me through)