Crying at the Dentist

The three kiddos hiking.  I tried to get the one of Ethan being crabby, but it would only post sideways?  I don't have many crabby pictures of him, so this will have to do.  Just to show he did have that side.

You'll probably think that Ethan cried at the Dentist, but no, it was me. Yesterday.  I was having a consultation about Parker's braces.  Yep. The lady said to me in reference to finances, "Well, since your kids are so spaced out in age...."  I'm not even sure what the end of the sentence was. I wanted to scream, "they are not! They are not spaced out!"   I lost it. I just cried. My grief doesn't usually show up at the drop of a hat.  But, it did yesterday.  I couldn't catch my breath to let her know the problem.  The poor lady was crying herself and apologizing--not even knowing why she was crying or what she was apologizing for.  When I gained control enough to tell her the reason for the breakdown, she just cried even more.  It was terrible.  I was embarrassed.  She was embarrassed.  In the end, we bonded :)  I'm sure she'll never forget the mom who broke down crying during the financial consultation for braces??!!??

Then, because I was in such an emotional state, the idea of looking at other's posts and blogs that are just "normal" killed me.  I couldn't do it.  I forget how "not normal" I feel sometimes.  I need to thank a friend for the cookies during this day.  How can a chocolate chip cookie not make it better for a minute?

Ethan always thought his daddy was the BEST!  Daddy could do NO wrong.    I could, but daddy couldn't.  This, literally, was his entire life.  Daddy was the cream of the crop.  I couldn't hold a candle.  He especially liked it when daddy would tuck him in and tell him a story.  Marcus has a story called "The Little Pigs After" which he has built on and continued for years for the boys.  Ethan would beg for this story at night and even schedule a night in if he had to.

If I tucked Ethan in, he always wanted a story about mom and dad when they were little.  OR about his grandparents and when they were little.  He loved the real stories.  Its funny because I had trouble coming up with new ones after a while and he would always say, "You've told me that one before.  What's another one?"  Anything where he learned more about us--he loved.  He really liked it when OUR parents told about us too.

Last year on this SATURDAY, Saturday, March 19, was Ethan's last full Saturday on earth.  It was a full Saturday.  Cynthia had wanted to keep the kids a little longer on this day because they were doing such a good job entertaining her little ones.  So, they stayed at Cynthia's until later that evening when they switched to their cousins, Camie and Joel's.  Cynthia mentioned how they had taken the kids to Schnepf farms and her memory from there is Ethan getting upset with Madilyn for something and storming off for a minute. I also called while they were there.  She asked if I wanted to talk to the kids and I turned her down.  I answered, "as long as they're having fun, I'll just talk to them later."  I don't think I did talk later.  I'm sure you can all guess how I am feeling about that now?  Yep, trying not to be so hard on myself, but its hard not to look back and just WISH you had taken that moment to say something :)

Take the moment.  Always tell your family how you feel.  I told Ethan daily I loved him, yet I wish I could go back and just tell him again.  Take the moment and "smell the flowers."  Ethan always loved to take a moment if I would just do it.  I always try now to take a moment with my kids, and my husband. I realize in the day to day how easy it is to just keep moving and not take a moment and express our love, thanks or just thoughts to those we love.