It's About Time

I have not been on here for quite a while.  This blog has always served as a bit of therapy for me.  I have been meaning to get on here and write as this month has gone by.  March is a tender month for me, but this March has been particularly difficult.  I am not sure why.

I can't put my finger on why it's been so emotional.  I do know that for some reason five years seems like a lot and it makes me sad I have lived this long without Ethan.  I have a feeling this will be worse for me when I have lived more than 7 1/2 years without him.  Then I would have lived longer without him than with him (since I had him, of course).

I have had a couple people mention their sadness of losing their child that they experience 30 and 50 years after their child has died.  That thought makes me want to quit feeling. I know the hard times of crying multiple times a day have stopped, but constantly having this heartache that won't go away --ever--seems like more than I can bear a lot of the times.

However, I love celebrating his life every March 26.  As I sit here, I realize that five years ago I woke up (not that I really slept) knowing at 9 am we would be taking Ethan off of life support.  Because we weren't sure how long he would breathe on his own, we didn't know if he would pass right away.  Our miracle became this moment.  The moment we knew it was his time to return to his Father in Heaven. He passed within minutes of being taken off of life support.  However, when we had tested him days before he breathed for almost an hour on his own.  The doctors couldn't tell us what was going to happen that morning of the 26th.  They said, "It's up to the good Lord."

What I do know is that it is up to the good Lord.  Ethan had a plan for his life.  It was short.  I think his spirit knew it because he tried to shove a lot into his days with as busy as he was.  He lived so much in those 7 1/2 years.  I think somewhere deep down he knew when he was leaving us because of questions he asked and the way he said goodbye to his brother, Parker.

I will forever be sad about unmet expectations for my children and missing out on growing up with Ethan.  But, I know we will see him again.  All things will be made right.

I am grateful this Easter weekend for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am grateful He overcame physical and spiritual death so we can return to our Heavenly Father and see our loved ones again.  He understands our pains, our sorrows, our trials and triumphs.  Because He lives, we will live again.

I am excited to one day reunite with Ethan, my sister, my grandfathers and many others.  What a great reunion that will be!