Grief is a Constant Surprise

Grief grabs you when you are least expecting it.  I think, for the most part, that I handle it well.  I don't cry daily.  I don't sit in my bed and not go anywhere.  However, if that is how someone else copes, I do not judge.  There have been days that I don't want to move just because I am sad.

Grief seems to never grab me when I am expecting it, or at least not on a normal day.  I always expect to feel more sad on the day Ethan died and on the day he was born.  Other than that, I prepare myself for holidays, etc.  Honestly, I handle these as well as to be expected.  But, that's just it, I am expecting the grief and prepare myself for it.  It's the daily, normal things that get me.

This past Friday, I took Brady to get his shots.  I am one of those with kids who have delayed shots.  I know, I know (Leah)!  My kids are always vaccinated, but maybe just not on time.  My husband is a bit worried about the measles outbreak here in Phoenix, and Brady isn't vaccinated for it!  Ah!  I was being responsible by making my appointment and getting shots for Brady.  Sadly, they were out of the measles vaccine :-(  Now, I wait.

While in the room, the doctor had my kids' shot records.  I wanted to see what they had for Parker and Madilyn.  She saw Madilyn's and  told me what was needed.  She thought Parker only had one.  Not true!  He is all caught up.  Then, she went on to Ethan to tell me what he needed.  All I could think of to say was, "He died."  Then, I lost it.  I didn't know it was coming.  It just did.  I cried and cried.  I think the poor doctor felt worse than I did.

I kept apologizing.  I said, "It's been four years!  I don't know why I am losing it."  She responded that four years isn't that long.  She told me never to apologize. She cried with me and helped get me under control.  She asked me questions about Ethan, which I always like.  I like talking about him.  I like people remembering he is still a big part of our lives.  I like knowing that people care enough to ask.  This doctor has won me over for awhile for how well she handled my breakdown.

In her defense of showing me Ethan's medical records, it only said 'deceased' in small print in the upper right hand corner of the shot record page she was looking at.  It was weird.  I didn't think seeing old doctor records, and literally JUST his shot records, would get me.  But, it did.  Grief grabs me.  It really does.  I don't know when it is going to come.  Just know if you are around me and I get "grabbed", I just usually need a minute to compose myself again.  If you ask me a question and I start to cry, know that I still love that.  I love, love being asked about him especially as time goes by and it's not as recent.  He is my child.  He always will be.  I think about him and what he is doing  almost just as much as I think about my other kids and what they are doing. He is not living, so the day-to-day activities of my living children take precedence.  But, he is literally always on my mind.