Scrolling Through

So, I just got done scrolling through facebook.  I usually don't spend too much time on there, besides posting every now and then.  However, today I was scrolling through my old posts. I had a strange desire to read my life backwards for the last two years.  It was strange.  But the minute I got to March of 2011, I wanted to "see what I was up to."  It is so hard for me to imagine that time when my life changed in an instant.  Honestly, it did.  On March 10, 2011 I had posted that we found out we were having a boy!  Our third boy.  Eleven days later the next post on my wall was someone praying for us.  The one right after that was someone saying sorry for our loss.  Really?  It really did happen that quickly.

I'll be honest.  Some days it is still very hard for me to see other families and how "normal" they are.  My "normal" is they have all their kids.  I get jealous and wonder what it would be like to still have all my kids with me.  I have to work through these crazy feelings often.  Or, just more often than I would like.

Besides the scrolling almost automatically bringing me to tears, it also reminded me of how much love we were and are able to feel from everyone.  I have said it so many times and in all different ways, but that is what got us through--and still does.  I also get to see how many times I have noticed specific blessings brought to our family to help us and to remind us of a loving Father in Heaven.

I remember in the hospital my mom telling me I would never be the same person again after "this experience."  At the time she said it I didn't know if Ethan would survive or not.  I certainly am not the same person.  I don't judge people nearly  like I used to.  I don't think I was a terrible judger, but I also think humans judge almost automatically sometimes.  I now catch myself when I start to judge and realize there is no reason for it.  I mention this one because it has helped me understand that I don't need to ever feel judged from others. Others are trying their hardest and learning what they can to get through this life, just like me.  We each may take a different path, and that's how we help each other.  If I think of how to help others and really try not to wallow in my own miseries, I find I am a much happier person

Brady on his First Birthday.  Part of my scrolling :)

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After crying, it is difficult to not wallow.  But, I have these cute kids sitting next to me and remember the important things in life!  I can't wallow with all the great blessings I have.