I used to write every day. It was very therapeutic. I think I need it sometimes still. However, it was interesting to look back and see how I had skipped the entire month of June. I know why....June was crazy! I didn't plan it that way, but in retrospect I did. I had family here for 3 weeks of the month, I took 6 credits of graduate courses and I had kids at home! It was full of fun and stress. I think it took me an entire week of doing nothing to calm down from the month. Now July feels much less fun-filled.
June was also difficult because of not having Ethan. For some reason when family is all together, I am constantly reminded that he is not here. I hate it. And, the sad part is I know this is going to go on for the rest of my life. My friend said to me the other day that she realized when her son got home from his two year mission and she hugged him that she had "just been surviving" while he was gone. Now, she felt complete again. I feel like "I am just surviving" and have 50 more years to go! AH! The year thing (and how long it will be)I can't think about. But, I know it will be a VERY happy reunion.
It's on my mind today because it is the birthday of my little sister, Diana. She was born July 3, 1979. She died of crib death (SIDS) on Aug. 21 (I think--terrible that I don't know). This day has always been hard for my mom. However, it didn't seem like a big deal to me all of these years. Now, I understand how special today and how hard this day must have always been. September 4th is Ethan's and it will always be a happy/sad/hard day. As I think of my mom and the stories she told about "getting through," I remember her saying how she woke up crying 30 years later, feeling that pain again. Grief is interesting. You never know when it will happen. Some days I just find myself in tears for no reason --except that I am sad. My spirit is always a little sad, but I am surviving. I am happy and want my kids to know that life goes on and they will see their brother again. My whole life I have felt my sister was watching me and helping me. I don't know how true that is, but as a five year old losing her sister that is how I dealt with it.
Because of my experience with my sister, I often wonder how my kids are actually "handling" their loss? We keep the topic of Ethan open, but they don't usually share their thoughts now, just their memories. As a child I often had dreams my sister would come back alive and that she was watching over me. But, I didn't share those things; I just kept them to myself. I pray for my kids that they will have happy memories and understand the plan for each of us on this earth. If they can have that, they can "handle" their grief.
Happy Birthday to my sister, Diana.
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