Sunday of last year

This SUNDAY last year was Sunday, March 27. 2011.  It was the first day of waking up and not having Ethan with us on earth.  Like I have said previously, I never had the "nightmare" wake up (another answer to prayer).  However, waking up and realizing our reality was a bit crazy.  I think I started the day crying.  Marcus and I would lay in bed and talk with each other for quite a bit before actually getting out of bed. But, we did get out of bed.  People kept telling me this was a big step.  I just figured I had other children to take care of. 

However, nights were horrible because the flu was being passed around my house.  Parker and Marcus both had strep throat on this day. Parker had thrown up on his cousin (gross). Because of my mental state of 'things happening in the night', I was almost frozen to my bed.  I was seriously worried about having this baby.  I remember telling Marcus, "I sure hope I get over this by the time this baby is born, otherwise you are going to be busy."  I had serious concerns, but tried to trust I could be 'normal' soon. 

We spent a lot of time in Ethan's room.  The last year of his life was the only time Ethan had his own room.  He had always shared with Parker before.  We had always had the room, but it was easier to have them share.  Ethan and Parker both begged for their OWN rooms when we moved back to our house.  We let them.  How strange coming home to a room that is your child's, but is empty.  His clothes, toys, everything was just how he had left it.  It was cute finding things he had written down-those were my favorite.  There was a Mother's Day card I had saved in his box (each kid has a box of stuff we have saved).  The card sent me over the edge.  I bawled.  I wanted my baby there with me.  It's interesting I never thought of Ethan as a baby, but after losing him he's always been "my baby" when I am crying.  Your kids are always your babies, I suppose.

On this Sunday, I announced I was going to church.  One of my best friend's sons was leaving on a mission and this day was his farewell.  I wasn't going to miss it.  Besides, where else was I supposed to be?  Everyone looked at me, again, like I wasn't speaking the same language.  I was just going to go by myself if no one would come.  However, Mendy (my friend AND cousin--I get both with her) got dressed and came with me.  She was sure everybody was going to mob me at church and she would help protect me.  She is definitely one who could help me smile during this crazy time!  I was not mobbed at church.  I think most people didn't know what to say to me-my child had just died.  I wouldn't have known what to say to me either.  Through this whole time a primary song was going through my head.  The line was "My life is a gift.  My life has a plan.  My life has a purpose, in heav'n it began.  My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth. And seek for God's light to direct me from birth."  Ethan's life was a gift and it had a plan.  A friend had said this line a church a few weeks before and for some reason it had stuck with me.  It was what I had needed throughout the past month.

Church was great.  It was hard to sing any songs.  The bishop ended with a beautiful tribute to Ethan which made me cry. He mentioned Ethan had gone on his mission the day before too.  I always  tell my friend that our sons shared a farewell.  Unfortunately, I don't get my son back after two years.  But, I will see him again and I hold onto that.

Sunday last year was a day to relax a bit.  We cried a lot, rested as much as possible, and held onto our children.  They were distracted by cousins still, but Parker especially was having a difficult time missing his brother.  It was a strange first day. 

We made as many funeral plans as we could that day.  I needed to get the program to the Bishop.  I tried to get everything in that we wanted, but since we had never planned a child's funeral before it was a little difficult.  Marcus' nieces had passed away from a car accident seven years before and I had saved their programs.  We just copied what they did.  This helped a lot.