Families can be Together Forever

Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan.

I started off this morning with a hike with friends.  It was a hike to Ethan's bench (previous posts).  Unfortunately, the park has taken out his bench, so it became a bit of a sad morning for me.  I wasn't sure if I was sad or mad???  I guess on this day, it was just a downer.

This SATURDAY last year, Saturday, March 26, 2011.  We said goodbye to our little boy for the last time on this earth.  The donor people kept coming in and letting us know their progress.  It looked like we had to wait until about 9:30 am.  I remember being in the room and around 7 am I just couldn't handle it.  I was crying so hard, I had to go to the chapel. 

During this whole week, the little Farnsworth Chapel on the floor of the ICU was a huge source of comfort for me and Marcus.  We would go there when we needed to feel closer to the Lord. We needed a quiet place away from the all the beeping and nurses running around.  I used to wonder who used those chapels?  Now, I am so grateful for them.  We NEEDED it. 

So, at 7 I left Ethan's room and walked to the chapel.  My husband found me there about 30 minutes later. We usually knew where to find each other if we weren't with Ethan or the quiet room. We talked about what was going to be happening. We knew it was the right decision, but it didn't make it hurt any less.  It HURT.  I can't explain it. I know I've said it before.  But, if you ever feel like you can break, this would be one of those times.  I couldn't believe we had to take him off of life support in two hours!  Really?  This was really going to happen.

As we were preparing to say our goodbyes, the nurses and doctors told us to prepare for hospice.  Ethan had a few APNEA tests.  (I'm 90% sure that's what they called them)  These tests were to determine how long he could breathe on his own.  Basically, they were to prepare us for "this moment."  Both tests Ethan breathed very well.  He breathed for 20 minutes or so each time without any problems.  He was always a good little breather :)  I couldn't be in there for these tests because I was scared.  Like the rock my husband is, he was in there for all the tests.  Our prayers were now turning to, "If Ethan is meant to go, please have this go quickly for us and him."  We didn't want Ethan to have to live in that state, we didn't want to have to starve our child so he would pass, we just wanted things to go "how they were supposed to."  We were told he could live for months in the state he was in.  This scared me a bit.  We asked everyone to pray that if he was meant to go back to his Heavenly Father, he would go quickly.  We were prepared for a "long moment."

We had to say all of our goodbyes before he passed because the organs needed to be "harvested" after about five minutes.  Weird.  I never knew all of the organ stuff.  I hated having to initial each part of his I was donating.  I never knew a heart had to still be beating for them to donate it (we couldn't donate his--only the valves).  The heart couldn't be donated because he wasn't brain dead.  He just couldn't get messages to his body.  His death, in the end, would be heart failure.  I couldn't think about it; I just had to know donating was the right thing to do.

At 9:30 the doctors told us they were ready.  We headed in.  What was I thinking?  I am not sure.  I was a little numb I think. They unhooked Ethan from all of his cords around 9:40.  It was just Ethan in the bed.  I got to cuddle right up next to him while laying on the bed.  I loved this!  My last cuddle.  Marcus held his hand on the other side and talked with him and sang to him.  I just loved on him.  Within minutes, yep minutes (which we consider a miracle) he took his last breath.  I cannot ever deny that our spirits live on.  I know they do!  I know Ethan gave me one last hug. I felt it. This is definitely the saddest moment of my life, but also my most spiritual moment.  I am sure there we angels in the room with us that day.  After his last breath, his body continued making strange sounds.  I couldn't handle those so I plugged my ears.  I was bawling the whole time.  My husband = a rock.  I have to say again, Marcus was a-mazing.  He is the man for me!  I had jumped off the bed because of these sounds, but came back to hold Ethan's left hand.  His heart stopped beating moments later.  He was pronounced dead at 9:45.  I said goodbye to him, but didn't feel  that was him at this point.  I was ready to leave the room.  Marcus took a few more minutes because he was better than me. I always felt like I should've stayed longer.  But, I knew what I could handle at the time.

We left the room.  I couldn't look back. I knew he was being wheeled down the hall behind us, but I couldn't look.  Family members came out to have one last look, but I couldn't do it. I remember him laying in his hospital room looking like he was sleeping.  That's how I always want to remember him in that moment.  Marcus and I both had very spiritual experiences that day which will be with us our whole lives.  It is amazing how we are not forgotten in our hour of need.

I remember going back into the quiet room where the family had been waiting.  I sat down in a chair and said, "I feel good. I can do this forever if this feeling stays."  Both my mother and my mother-in-law have lost children and they both simultaneously answered, "it will."  I knew in that moment angels were holding me up. Literally holding me up.  I have NEVER felt so much peace, comfort and love in my whole life as I did in the moments right after letting my son go back to his Father in Heaven. 

Even though we were given the worst case scenario of 'Locked in Syndrome', we knew we had had answers to our prayers.  We had a very CLEAR answer as to what to do, and we had the answer of him going quickly.  Ethan did not have to live for months in his condition. We didn't have stress for months.  We consider these all tender mercies.  However, it is not easy.  We are comforted in knowing we literally had "His loving arms around us".  We know Ethan had a plan for his life.  His plan was 7 years short.  I wish we could've had more time with him, but I am now grateful for the moments I did have.

We all sat in the quiet room for a minute until I said, "Welllll,,ummm...I guess we go home now?"  We had spent so much time at that hospital and in that quiet room, it seemed weird to leave it.  We packed things up and walked out.  The walk out of the hospital was surreal.  I came in days before with my little boy hoping he could be fixed.  Now, I felt like I was leaving empty handed.  It was definitely a strange feeling.  I didn't cry.  Since Ethan had left this earth minutes before, I hadn't shed a tear.  Yet.

We came home and took showers.  I really wanted to see my friend's baby she had on the 23rd.  So, when I got out of the shower I announced that someone needed to take me to my friend's (no one wanted me driving--good for other drivers).  I think everyone thought I was speaking a different language.  But, soon I had my four supporters (Cynthia, Jess, Leah, Mendy) with me and we all headed over.  I think my friend, Airan, was ready to kill me for showing up at her house on this day.  She had no idea what to say to me.  I didn't care.  I just wanted to see that baby.  I think that baby helped me see some joy on a terrible day.  I wanted to know life did go on.  It was so hard, especially in days to come, to know life didn't stop since Ethan died.  But, on the day he died, I loved seeing this baby!  Thanks to cute little Ellie Kay for coming when she did. 

After that, Marcus and I headed to the funeral home with my brothers to meet our bishop.  We had a funeral to plan.  AH!  Too much to think about.  On the way there my brother, Sean, was trying to keep the conversation light and was talking about planes.  We mentioned how we'd all like to fly somewhere together.  My brother, Greg said, "With the luck these two have(meaning me and Marcus), I am not getting on a plane with them."  If anyone knows our life leading up to Ethan, it was anything but smooth.  We've lost a lot and now we had lost Ethan.  Marcus handled the comment well by saying, "Yeah, I wouldn't get on a plane with us either."  It was good to have a little humor despite Sean's effort to keep it light.

The funeral home was hard.  I remember Sean being the secretary, which is still funny to me.  He wrote everything down they were telling us because I couldn't concentrate enough to write and  we needed to remember all of this.  I had to pick out flowers.  Who cares???  That's what I was really thinking.  Then, I decided, Ethan only gets one funeral, they should look nice.  Because of his love of Patriots, we tried to keep it to those colors. I had to choose to signing book...again, who cares?  We chose blue.  We had to talk about the dressing of Ethan, the transportation, a viewing, etc.  I chose (I say "I" because my husband has a knack for letting me think I am in charge) no viewing except for the morning of.  In retrospect, to accommodate everyone, I should've done one, but I wanted it to be ONE more terrible day, not TWO.  So, we set the viewing and the funeral for the following Wednesday at our church building.

Ethan was to be buried in Snowflake next to his Uncle Ladd (thanks to my in-laws). We did not have to choose a casket.  Yay!  We had a friend, who had friend, who donated it.  Check out their story at kamberskaskets.com.    They are awesome.  We were their first donation, and the guy who built it is named Ethan!  We couldn't have asked for a better gift!  It was beautiful AND I didn't have to pick it out.  However, I picked out the handles for it.

We took clothes for Ethan to be dressed in. I believe my Aunt Cara bought the suits (one for Ethan and one for Parker).  They asked if we wanted to dress him.  I knew I couldn't.  I wish I could've, but I didn't.  I don't always regret this. Marcus didn't feel he could either.  We would see him on Tuesday before the funeral when he was all ready.

I don't remember how we ended this SATURDAY night except for with a lot of prayer.  I think I must've knelt by my bed for hours. At least it felt this way.  I can't imagine what I would do without my faith.  It's helped me through each and every day. 

How were we supposed to keep going?