Monday the 26th was the actual anniversary of Ethan's death. We thought this day would be very hard. It was in ways, but for the most part it was awesome. It was awesome because of Errands for Ethan. It left us with a bit of a high for that day. We were constantly checking our email and facebook for what others had done for others throughout the day. However, because of this high, the reality of the situation set in on Tuesday!
Yep, Tuesday was not fun. Tuesday it hit that our child had died. Not that we didn't know this, but it hit. Sometimes it just hits and throws you for a loop. It hits that he is really not physically here with us. It hits that we miss him, TERRIBLY!!! It hits that the reality is we have lost this child during this life. The loss just hits.
Tuesday also brought the reality that we "had done all our firsts". My friend said this to me as a good thing, but it "hit" me again, like a ton of bricks. I was excited to get through all my firsts so I was done with them. But, I guess I fear others will think we are "fine" because its been a year. Then I fear what I have heard from a few moms who have lost children, that the second year is harder. These fears did arise the day after we have finally made the year mark. Firsts are tough; I just hope seconds aren't harder. I don't know because I haven't done the seconds. But, I do hear from some that the second year is a deeper hurt. I guess we will see.
We know those around us want to help us be "okay". All the services, gifts and thoughts really do help and uplift us. However, nothing will take away the grief. The grief will "hit" us on certain days and it doesn't seem to let up. We try not to bug people with our crying days, except we do call each other. (And, my sister gets most of my crying calls--sorry) We know we have to let ourselves grieve, its just easy to try and hide it. We also know this isn't good, so when it "hits" we let it. I remember one week Marcus came up to me in church and just said, "I can't do this, I am going home." Some days we just can't do it and its easier to lay back down and cry. I need to do this more.
Marcus & Kim: I love you both.
ReplyDeleteMarcus and Kim.....((((HUGS)))) from the Massad family. We understand how you feel. But, it does get easier. The first year anniversary for us was very hard. However we have found that as the years go by, the pain does ease. It's still hard at times but we all have to keep going so to speak. Losing a child has truly taught me as a mother that every day with each other is a gift. You are in our prayers every day.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love,
Tim and Avon Massad
I have been thinking about you a lot too. I hope you can continue to find comfort and know that none of us have forgotten Ethan or your family. You are in our prayers. I just wonder how people go through anything in life without the gospel. You are an inspiration to many....I'm sure you have had every emotion possible, and will experience them several more times. Just know we are all pulling for and praying for your family. Much love, The Crawfords
ReplyDeleteHey Kim,
ReplyDeleteI just want to let you know that it does get easier as years go bye but you still have tough times. If there is anything I can do please let me know.
Crystal Thomas Spittle
Steves daughter
PS Jereme's anniversary of death is on Monday.
Kim, I have been following your blog and will continue to work on Errands for Ethan throughout the year! You are an amazing woman and have an amazing family! You are so very blessed and have been an inspiration to read about! Thank you for sharing your story!
ReplyDeleteYour family is in my prayers.
Stephanie Cox (Wittman)