Does he look good?

Seriously, I don't think he could be cuter?  I love this picture of Ethan (3).  I always thought he may be a model.  He had that great surfer hair, tan skin and those eyes!  He's a beauty!

This WEDNESDAY last year was Wednesday, March 30, 2011.  I woke up to the funeral day.  I remember saying to myself, "I am waking up to my child's funeral.  I hope I never have another one of these days."  I had so much support, but everything was still a blur. There were a ton of people around, which I really appreciated.  My sister-in-law had bought Madilyn a dress (again, not sure who really bought what??) to match her cousin.  They looked adorable!  It doubled for an Easter dress later.  Parker was in a new suit, like Ethan.  They both needed a new suit, but for Ethan's clothes to be buried in we had to go on the 'big' size, or so we were told.  Marcus, Parker and Ethan were all in New England Patriot ties :)  Parker still wears his Patriot tie faithfully to church each week.  I couldn't bury Ethan in white.  He just looked SOO good in dark colors.  Yep, that's why I did it.  I chose to bury him in dark clothes because he looked better.  As a mother, don't we all want our kids to look good?  Especially when so many people will be seeing them?  Yep.  Hundreds came to the funeral (many more than I thought would show up) and he had to look good.  Ethan usually didn't have a hard time looking good.  He was always looking good except for the days he looked like an orphan because I didn't have time to brush his hair or do laundry.  Oh well.  Who doesn't have those days?

Time for this disclaimer:  I do this a lot in our marriage and had to make this disclaimer for my husband.  When I say "I", most times "I" means "We". So, as I sound very selfish in these posts, I (really meaning "I") am not.  We (really meaning "we") did make decisions together!

We buried Ethan in a dark suit with a Patriots tie and a Patriots hat!  Because he was always known for his hair, we had to have some of his hair showing.  Unfortunately, the part of the hair that would've been showing under the hat had been shaved (kind of on the side) for surgery.  The funeral home cut and pasted (literally) his hair so you could understand the craziness that was usually there.  He looked great!  But, since it was just his little body, he looked a bit older.  The funeral home explained this to us the day before when we had visited Ethan.  They are not sure why the body looks older without the spirit in it, but the funeral home said with little kids they alway seemed to just look older.  There is nothing like 'visiting' your child as he lay on a table.  They told us on that day we could touch him and talk to him.  I touched his hand, yet it felt like a porcelain doll.  The only part that felt "real" to us was his hair. Yep!  We touched his hair a lot as we talked with him.  It was, again, a very spiritual moment.  I apologize to family that we kept this time to ourselves.  We just wanted to have our private moments with Ethan.  The casket wasn't quite done, so the only time I saw Ethan in the casket was at the viewing when everyone else did.

The casket viewing was a bit difficult for me.  Since my sister died as a baby, I have hated looking at people in caskets.  Even after Ethan, attending a viewing has been difficult.  Its something about seeing the body laying in there.  Maybe claustrophobia (I really don't know how to spell that)??  Funny quick memory...at a gentlemen's funeral I took my kids to recently Madilyn asked "Mom, where is the body in the box?"  I realized this gentlemen's body was not there for viewing because he had a Veteran's burial the day before.  I also realized in this moment, she thinks Ethan is in a box.  But, a coffin is essentially that.  A box.  It's just interesting the comments that are made later.

Our little family looked great on the day of the funeral.  I was worried about what my kids looked like?  I couldn't believe I was.  I guess there is a part of me, even the darkest moments, still want my kids to look okay.  I didn't take care of any of it--people took care of my kiddos for me.  I didn't seem to care as much about myself.  I did have a sweet girl, whom I had never met before, offer to do my hair that morning.  At first, I turned down the offer, but the day before I realized I better have her come and do it, otherwise it probably wouldn't be done.  It was the last thing I was worried about before my child's funeral.  I didn't care what my hair looked like.  This girl was a friend of a friend who had lost two babies at birth.  She has a tragic story herself and is a great woman of faith!  I am proud to know her--and she did great on my hair!  Thanks.

The funeral, (which I have tried to post from my CD which has the audio--can't figure it out--let me know if you know how??") was amazing.  I am pretty sure we were inspired to choose who we chose to do the talks and songs etc.   My mom did a wonderful job explaining the plan of salvation.  My husband couldn't have done better outlining Ethan's short life.  And, Ethan's teacher, did great sharing all the experiences he and his student's had had with Ethan.  The musical numbers were awesome.  The best part about the funeral was there was a lot of laughter!  Ethan's life was fun!  His life was so fun it was evident as we talked about him.  I have never laughed so hard at a funeral--especially my own child's.  What a great experience that was for me, though.  I knew then it would be okay.  I knew if I could laugh in that moment, I could carry on.  I could laugh at jokes and life would go on.  Whenever I have a bad day, I tell myself Ethan wouldn't want me to be sad.  I tell myself that because it is so true.  Ethan never liked me being upset about anything.  It does help for me to self talk this  --most of the time.

We've said over and over how we cannot believe the numbers of people who showed up to Ethan's funeral. Wow!  We felt so loved and knew Ethan had affected many lives.  We should've listened to our Bishop and used the Stake Center (bigger church building), but we didn't.  I like our church building.  It felt like home.  It was standing room only that day, but it was wonderful.  It was sad, happy, wonderful, depressing, but a celebration.  It was a celebration of his life and we are so happy there were so many there to share in it!  He was a "What-a-kid" (as my father-in-law says-previous post)!  Ethan was awesome in this life! 

We traveled to Snowflake for the burial later that afternoon.  It was windy, but its just where we needed to be that day.  The burial was a burial.  Ethan's cousins sang a song at the graveside.  We forget his cousins are mostly adults, but that's what we get when Marcus is the baby of eight.   We don't mind the adults, it was just surprising to see the adults get up there to sing.  Loved it.  It was perfect!

I couldn't watch them lower the casket into the ground.  They said it was "closure" for some families.  I couldn't.  I was okay knowing that they put him into the ground and I would visit later.   I don't think visiting the cemetery will ever be a happy moment, but I am glad I have a place to go to have those sad moments and feel like I can talk to him without looking weird.  I talk to him quite a bit, so I don't feel I have to be at the cemetery to do that, but I know it doesn't look as strange there. Its a beautiful cemetery and I hope to be buried there some day too.  I want to be by my child.

Here are a few pictures from that day:

Sean, Greg, Marcus, Creston, Parker and Logan carrying Ethan in.

Our family.

Parker and Collin by the casket.  Greg helping Grandma Betty in her chair.  Other family members in the background.

This one breaks my heart.  Parker.

Like a last goodbye.  We were just touching the casket and saying goodbye.  Isn't that casket beautiful? Again, kamberskaskets.com--an amazing gift.

Marcus and Madilyn.

Me comforting Parker.  The flowers are beautful too.  Our friend works at the flower shop we got these from.  We know extra love was spent on these!

Madilyn.

A big thanks to my sister's mother-in-law for these photos--we never would've had any otherwise.  This is my wonderful sister, Cynthia, her husband Creston and their two kids, Camden and Cade.