What I CAN control..

As I think about this TUESDAY last year, Tuesday, March 29, 2011 I was preparing for my child's funeral the next day.  We had set up the funeral for Wednesday, March 30, 2011.  I did this because I didn't want to wait until the weekend, although I knew it would be easier for people to attend then. It just seemed hard to put it off that long.  I also wanted to have a couple of good days of preparation to make sure it went well.  Marcus only had a couple of things he was really specific on for the funeral.  We WOULD be having someone sing "Human Heart" from the show Once on This Island.  And HE WOULD be speaking.  He did not want the day to go by without being able to say something.  I didn't feel up to being a part of the funeral.  I would be there. I would talk with people, but I couldn't speak. I could hardly concentrate on anything, how could I possibly put a talk together? 

We lined up how things should go and had others running around putting everything together.  To be honest, I know I owe a ton of people thank yous for all that turned out.  So, if you helped me, thank you!  Like I said, my brain was mush and I can't really remember.  I do remember texting my sister constantly with what I needed.  If something came to my mind, I would text her.  I knew it would get taken care of and I let it go from my brain again.  So, without my sister, I am not sure there would've been much done.  She was my go-to girl.  I know this was hard on her as she was dealing with her own grief.  She was as close to my children as anybody could be, and I know she struggled with losing Ethan a lot.  She still just put  me first and did whatever I asked.  Thank you, Cynth!

The couple of days before the funeral I did a lot of girl things with Cynthia (my sister), Jess and Leah (my sisters-in-law), Mendy (friend and cousin), and my Aunt Cara.  They took me shopping, waxed my eyebrows, paid for my hair to be done, bought me my funeral dress and my funeral shoes, and took me for a massage.  I remember Mendy saying, "We're going to control the things we CAN control."  I didn't really think about it at the time, but I do all of the time now.  I literally think to myself, "I CAN control what color this room is painted, so I am going to paint it.'  "I CAN control what I put in my mouth today, so today I won't eat the dozen cookies I would normally eat."  "I CAN control what I do with my time, so I will devote at least an hour to myself." (hopefully that doesn't sound selfish--just needed).  I don't think she even remembers saying that line, but it has certainly helped.  I did feel like my life was out of control.  I now like to concentrate on what I CAN control and try not to worry about what I can't. 

I couldn't control whether I lost Ethan or not.  I did the very best I could at protecting him and being his mom.  I raced him to the hospital as fast as I could that morning, yet I couldn't control what the outcome would be.  I had to learn to let go.  I had to learn that I wasn't in control.  I am a control freak, so this was really hard on me.  I can only control my life so much. The Lord is in control, not me.  Thank you, Mendy, for that one line which helped me understand I can't control everything.  But, I CAN control what color my hair is :)

What a blessing it is to have friends in your life who are inspired!  I know, as I have said before, I am surrounded by them.

The latest inspiration of Errands for Ethan, made my day bearable.  Marcus and I really felt our week last week was going to be a "hell week", but instead it turned into a week of service.  It turned into days where we were solely concentrating on what we could do for others.  Wow!  I love what I have learned this week.  I appreciate everyone sharing their stories.  I love having ideas of what to do for others and how to keep my life happier!  How wonderful it is to share in these experiences.  I am so lucky!