A Good Day

One of the pictures from November 2010.  L to R:  Parker, Madilyn, Ethan

This WEDNESDAY last year, Wednesday, March 23, 2011, was a good one, if you could have a good one.  I had left the hospital the night before with new hope.  The night also seemed to go smoothly-no calls from Marcus.  I was back to the hospital early in the morning and felt ready for the day.  Honestly, I didn't really have much to "get ready".  I think I maybe showered and that was it.  I didn't do hair or makeup all week.  It didn't matter.  I probably saw more friends and people during this week than any week in my life, but "looking presentable"  didn't matter.  It took too much time and I just wanted to be back with Ethan.  I am grateful I had people then looking out for me.  Meaning, I am glad I was made to sleep.  I don't think I would've made it through the week otherwise.  I needed the time to sleep.  And, surprisingly, I COULD sleep.  I prayed nightly that I wouldn't have the "nightmare wake up".  I didn't want to wake up and think "This is REALLY happening?"  I just kind of wanted to know it was happening and feel okay to deal with the day.  I  know those prayers were answered because I could sleep and to this day I have never had a "nightmare wake up."

I remember on this morning staring at our family picture we had just taken in November 2010.  I had so many compliments on this picture because we all looked good (which wasn't usual).  I was pretty proud of the picture.  I remember looking at it as I was getting ready to leave the house and thinking to myself but kind of talking to Ethan, "How can I have this family picture and not have you in it?"  I would literally stare at the picture and try to imagine him not there.  I just sobbed.  It seemed like a very surreal moment in my life. I think that's why from that time on I wasn't sure I could do another family picture any time soon.  However, as you can see from the top of this blog, I did take a family picture.  I owed it to Brady to have a picture his first year!  I am pretty proud of the ones this past November too.  I just hope there is not another time in my life where I have to look at a picture and imagine a child not being in it.

This Wednesday also brings memories of how MANY people visited.  We had to be out of the room for a few tests they were doing on Ethan, so all visitors had to wait in the "Quiet Room" at the end of the hall.  As visitors kept showing up it was crazy.  Friends, family, neighbors, and colleagues were all there.  I think we counted in upwards of 50 there that night.  It was amazing.  I tried to introduce everyone to everyone else, but it was proving pretty difficult.  I have mentioned the amount of people in previous posts, but it was just a beautiful sight to know how much everyone cared.  Some worried if they "weren't close enough to us" or 'if they were being a bother", but those thoughts never crossed our minds.  We were just thrilled that so many cared and took the time out of their lives to mourn with us, pray with us, and have hope with us.  I had calls from friends who had prayer groups going on all over the country.  I knew from all of this that if Ethan lived or died, it was meant to be.

This is the day I told Marcus about my feelings from the first day. We had so much hope and I didn't want to dash it, but I needed my husband to know how strong my feeling was during those initial moments of this tragedy.  I just quietly leaned to him and told him I needed to share it with him.  He asked why I thought I had felt that way and I didn't really have an answer. I just told him it was a strong feeling that it was Ethan's time to return home to Heavenly Father.  He took it well, but never lost hope that our little boy could remain with us on this earth.

We had our Bishop and our Stake President (leader of the stake--like the leader of our ward--further definitions of 'stake' and 'ward' are in previous posts) come and visit with us this night.  They were able to give Ethan another blessing.  We were very happy he was able to have a blessing from these leaders.

We ended this day after a lot of visitors.  We were tired, drained and ready for answers.  The doctors continued to tell us "to wait and see."  We needed time to tell.  This was so difficult.  Time. Time. Time.  It seemed to drag on, yet not get us any answers.  We were told there was a specialist coming in the next day who specialized in detecting the brain activity, or the brain stem activity.  He would be testing how the brain was really communicating with the rest of the body and not just having spinal cord reactions.  He would be able to tell us how much information was getting through that brain stem.  The doctors prepared us for the worst case scenario of a "locked-in syndrome" but they remained hopeful with us.  There were a few times when Ethan seemed to respond to touch.  He lifted his whole arm in what seemed like a movement to try to get to me.  He squeezed his teacher's hand (Mr. MacLay visited each night). He would raise his legs at certain times.  All of these seemed to be hopeful movements, but the nurses would remind us each time of 'spinal cord reactions.'  I learned to hate the spinal cord reactions.  I wanted them to be REAL reactions.

This was the night I came back into Ethan's room and started crying looking at him and saying loudly, "I JUST want you to look at me!"  I just REALLY wanted to see his eyes!  I love his EYES!!!  I really wanted him to just look at me. I already missed those eyes, darn it.  I was a bit mad.

I loved when his cousin, Corrinne, sat and played songs on her guitar and sang to him.  I think it was a guitar?  I am not sure what night it was, but she played and sand music for hours for him.  It was amazing.  She also had brought his favorite CD of "All Shook Up" songs.  Our Youth Theater had done this musical the summer previous, and Ethan would sing and dance to these songs at least every weekend.  He would've been a good Elvis.  So, he had his cousin singing and his favorite CD.  This is just a small example of all of the good around us.

Taking this "good" and spreading it is what we want to do this year.  Check out our Errands for Ethan event on facebook and invite others to "do good."  This is how we want to remember our little guy for years to come.

I love the support I had this week last year and this week THIS year.  I had a friend bring me dinner last night, many texts and calls checking on me, and more service. Thank you for knowing it is a tough week!