New Hope

Ethan with Parker, Logan and Collin on Parker and Logan's baptism day.

As I sit down to write about last year, I am already a little sad.  I haven't even started writing and tears are flowing.  Its interesting I could get through yesterday's post and not cry, but today I am having trouble already. 

A note about my projects I do--they are very therapeutic for me and I think its how I escape reality sometimes.  So, the bedroom re-do was definitely an escape.  But, I tend to like how the projects turn out.

Last year on this TUESDAY, Tuesday, March 22, 2011 I woke up to a phone call from Marcus.  He had been with Ethan all night.  The doctor on duty during the night was not positive at all.  Marcus called saying I needed to get down to the hospital because the doctor said "nothing is there."  He does not think Ethan will be here.

I remember being in my bed screaming into the pillow.  Telling my mom, "It was only 20 minutes!  Now, he's not there!  It was only 20 minutes!"  The 20 minute thing came because from the time Ethan woke up until he was at the hospital was only 20 minutes.  We, as moms, want to do all we can for our kids.  I kept thinking, 'was there anything else I could have done?  What could I have done better?  How could I have saved him?'  I couldn't have been any faster that morning.  It was only 20 minutes.  My communication to my family was in broken cries, so the message got out too quickly that Ethan had already passed away.  Friends were told, the school was called and family was already mourning.  I feel terrible about this now.  However, I know things happen for a reason.  Maybe this was to help us all prepare for what was to come.  Maybe it was so we knew the seriousness of the situation.  I am not sure.  But, I am grateful for all of those who had patience with us during this trying time.

When I arrived at the hospital, our surgeon was there (the doc who had done the surgery the day before).  He was a little more hopeful.  He told us Ethan was NOT gone and we should wait on any life support decisions.  We had a little cleanup to do because of my earlier communication, but were happy we had more time with Ethan.  I think this doctor had hope because he was the one who had hope from the beginning.  He knew Ethan only had a slight chance of survival from the time he first saw him, but he knew there was a chance.  This doctor had horrible bedside manner, but had a dad-like hope for our Ethan.  It was too early to know what to do and we shouldn't make any decisions today.  He told us we need a few days at least.
I had family members who were saying the same things to me.  So, it was great to hear it from the doctor and know no decisions had to be made right then. 

Because of our early communication about losing Ethan, our bishop had shown up at the hospital.  He told us not to worry about any funeral expenses if it came down to that.  At the time I had no idea what it meant, but it was wonderful to not have to think of any "expenses" at this time.  We were spinning out of control in our minds and didn't really have any focus to realize what may be around the corner.  Knowing we would be okay no matter what, gave great comfort.

My family started to decide to fly in on this day.  Meaning, my siblings would be arriving on this Tuesday and the next day.  They all live out of state, unlike Marcus' family who is much closer. When I heard, I wish I had been more grateful.  But, at the time, I think I said it to my sister, "He's not dead yet.  Why is everyone coming?"  I felt like they should save their money for the time IF there was a funeral.  I do remember someone responding to me and saying, "They love you and just want to be here to support you."  That kind of sounds like what my mom would say??  It was probably her.  I felt better, but still wished we were not in a situation where anyone HAD to be coming.

We had friends and family all around us.  Literally, 40-50 at times.  Luckily, the hospital had a "quiet room" at the end of the hall which would fit us all.  It was never too "quiet" in there, but we all had a place.  I spent a lot of time in here talking with all of our visitors and taking them in (by turns) to see Ethan.   Marcus wasn't in here much because he couldn't leave Ethan's side.  We each took  our roles.  Sometimes I look back and think, "I wish I had spent more time in his room."  But, I honestly believe I did what I could handle.  I felt I was there for him and with him a lot.  But, the way my husband "handled' it was by not leaving his bedside. 
All of these friends and family signed up for shifts.  Everyone took a 2 to 3 hour shift rotating the 24 hours a day, so Marcus and I were never alone.  People took those shifts in the night so Marcus could possibly get some sleep.  I don't think that every happened.  I'm pretty sure he was sleep deprived the whole week.

Ethan's teacher showed up that night.  He taught Marcus and I something.  He was so positive and talked to Ethan like he was sitting right there, normally.  I can't express what that did for me and Marcus.  Mr. MacLay had brought a whole different spirit into the room.  We were determined after he left to be more positive during this whole situation and enjoy these days we had with Ethan.

Ethan's school had all the 2nd graders make him cards.  I can't tell you how many "Best Friends" he had on these cards.  The majority said, "You are my best friend."  I never knew he had so many.  We put these all up over his room.  They were awesome and we saved many of them.

I left the hospital that day with a lot of hope.  I know I had the feeling the day before that it was Ethan's time to go, but on this day I had hope.  I had hope where things will work out.  I never know what that means, but I know they'll work out.  We had an immense amount of service, which continued from the day before.  We had more than we needed at the hospital, more than we needed at our home, and more support than anyone could imagine.  Once again, it was good to know we are not alone.  We are loved.  We are all children of a loving Father in Heaven and He provides for us.  We were definitely provided for by these angels on earth--in every way!