The Real Ethan

 I have to keep writing about my little guy.  I fear people will think since it "has been so long" I should just move on..or whatever others thoughts are.  Next month will be a year since we lost Ethan and it still feels like last month.  Doesn't quite feel like yesterday, but it does feel like it was just last month.

I broke into tears yesterday when our Primary President, Lindsey (don't know if I should use names??) handed me the above picture she found while cleaning out the Primary closet.  I will be forever grateful for the Primary for this picture.  It is very emotional for us to see a "new" picture of Ethan.  Finding them is the best but it always brings a flood of emotions.  I like this one imparticular because his tie is down.  Yes, it is a zip tie. And, yes, it was ALWAYS down.  He didn't care.  I think he liked it down.  I insist my boys wear ties to church, and unfortunately this is the only way Ethan wore his.  I did contemplate having him buried with his tie half way down.  It would've only been appropriate.  I didn't do it.  I had already decided to have him buried in a dark suit with a Patriots tie and a Patriots hat on with his crazy hair showing.  I didn't do the tie thing.  But, this picture is the real Ethan.  The one who didn't care what he looked like.  Just the  one who wanted to make people smile.

One favorite memory that was shared with us was when Ethan would always raise his hand in Primary (for those non-mormon friends: Primary is the name of the meeting the children have on Sundays 3 yr-12 yr olds) as a visitor.  No matter what, every week Ethan was a visitor.  He loved raising his hand for it because it made people laugh.  And, people did laugh every week.  I used to just roll my eyes at him each week because I knew it would never stop.  One of the best things that happened just yesterday in Primary was when Parker raised his hand as a visitor.  I was sitting behind him waiting for him to give his talk and told him to put his hand down.  He said to me, "I'm just carrying on Ethan's tradition."  I let him raise his hand.  I almost told him to raise it higher.
Parker's ability to talk about Ethan lately has made me smile.  I love that he can remember him and laugh.  Most memories Parker talks about, he laughs.  I love that.  I hope it can continue.

In grief counseling this past Thursday, Parker's group made Valentine's for their loved ones who have passed on.  I thought Parker's valentine for Ethan was perfect!  He made the heart into a football.  Seriously?  I would never have thought to do this.  Parker's such a good kid.  Here's his valentine for his brother:

Parker, you're awesome.  Keep it up.  Ethan's with you more than you know!