Dear Ethan

Ethan as Nibs.  It's his real hair.

Dear Ethan-

I read that writing you a letter could be very therapeutic.  And, you know me, I love doing those things that will help me through missing you.  You are missed terribly.  I can’t believe we still have to go through every day without you here with us.

 I miss your crazy loves. You really did give the best loves ever!  I remember when I would tuck you in at night you would not let me go.  You wanted to keep hugging me forever.  I am so sorry that I was ever annoyed at that.  I miss them soo much now that I would never let go again!  Thank you for that beautiful memory of you and how much you loved us. 

I also remember how much you enjoyed stories about mommy and daddy when they were little.  I had such a hard time coming up with more stories about me that you hadn’t already heard.  And…how much you loved “The Little Pigs After”!  Daddy has a hard time telling that one anymore because it was your favorite.

The other night daddy was singing “Would you like to Swing on a Star” to Brady and I had to cry.  You loved that one!  You loved picking an animal and having daddy try and rhyme to it. Mom wasn’t as good as daddy with keeping the song going, but I love thinking about those times I got to sit with you on your bed and tell stories or sing songs. I’m glad you taught us to remember the important things.

Madilyn and Parker miss you.  Parker has a hard time talking about you, but Madilyn loves any memory she can think of.  The best is when Parker will actually laugh at an Ethan memory.  I hate that you can’t be here to grow up with him.  He really liked having a brother to play with all of the time.  You were so much fun and you kept him playing.  He is such a good big brother to Madilyn and Brady.  You would be proud.

However, having Brady has helped them love someone and take there “sad times” away.  You would love being here with Brady!  I am sure you are sometimes.  But, I would love to see you hugging him and playing with him.  He is such a smiley guy.  He reminds me of you a lot.  I hope he can know how much you love him from where you are.  Please watch over your brothers and sisters as much as you can.  I want them to see you again some day and we are doing all we can to get there.

Mom was supposed to cheer for the New England Patriots all season in your memory.  But, I couldn’t get into it.  Sorry.  But, they are doing well.  They probably had a game this weekend I am unaware of.  We hope they make it to the SuperBowl—just in your memory.

Mommy and Daddy still cry a lot, but know its because we love you and miss you.  We never thought we’d have to live without you and it’s hard.  It’s hard to have spent time with you and have you go so quickly and without warning.  I know it wouldn’t be easier any other way.  But, your personality, love and GUSTO for life are sorely missed.  I wish sometimes I could change it, but I can’t.  I know that.  I just want you to know that even when I was upset with you, I loved you.  I tried to be the best mom I could.  I hope you know that.  We tried to give you all the experiences we were able.

 I am particularly happy you were able to be Nibs in Peter Pan and Wendy.  I loved how you wanted to watch the scene even when you were IN the scene.  It took daddy a bit to get you to actually be in the scene.  And, your little voice was so cute on that big ‘ole stage.

Thank you for making those videos on my phone the week before you left us.  I listen to them all the time.  The only regret I have is that I don’t have more videos OF you.  I have a lot of recordings of your voice though!

Please know you are loved and missed desperately.  We are going to make it to see you again.  In the meantime, help us through.  I love you buddy.  I want another hug (boy, I am soooo glad I made you give me one before you went to bed that night).  I can’t wait for that day. 

Love you and see you soon!

Mom J

Ethan as Daniel's son in Once on this Island.