Inspired

I sit down to write this because of one of the reasons I stopped writing so often.  I was starting to feel pressure to be "inspirational" every time I wrote.  Recently a friend discovered she has cancer and has starting blogging about it.  Her concern is she feels she has to be funny each time she writes. I love reading what she writes no matter how funny she is or not.  She has inspired me that I can just be myself when I am writing. I don't need to be inspirational.

I am going to share a few random thoughts from the last little bit.

My friend who has cancer has really shown me this last week how to have fight for this life.  This life is a beautiful gift, and I am happy to live it.  It is not something I take for granted, like I used to.  I feel like speeding home to my kids whenever I am away from them.  I can't leave town yet without them.  Our last few anniversaries have been spent "staycationing" because I can't be more than 30 minutes from my kids.  My family is the biggest part of my life.  I love every inch of them.

I watched the movie this week "The Fault in our Stars."  I would not recommend it to anyone who has experienced any kind of death in their lives.  It is a good story with a good message, but if you don't like crying in the theaters (which I don't) don't see it until it's on video.  I cried for those two hours and couldn't stop crying afterwards.  It was terrible. I will never watch it again. 

We also have our nephew here for a couple of weeks to hang out with Parker.  I am struggling not crying each day as I am reminded that this is how it would be with Ethan.  Having the two older boys with Madilyn and Brady around is harder than I ever thought it would be.  I keep wishing Ethan was here.  I keep comparing every small moment to "how it would be." I love how Parker always has a buddy.  They can do little chores together.  They keep the little ones entertained, but they do it together.  I love watching it, but it's painful reminder of what I am missing.

I sound like I am pouting.  I really am not.  I am just being real with what I sincerely ponder as each day comes.  This week has been a ton of Ethan and death reminders.  Sometimes I wish earth life would speed up and I could see Ethan again.  But, I don't want to miss a moment with the kids I have here with me.  I really do treasure every minute with them.  I also need the time to become a better person.

Those are my random thoughts of the day.  Good to get them out..