It's Still There

As we vacationed this past week with our family, I realized how much we feel Ethan with us when we are all together.  It's a great feeling.  It doesn't feel like he is missing.  But, this is something we pray for.  We pray he will be with us a lot.  I think he was this last week.

I am able to hold in my tears after these first few years, mostly.  However, with the third anniversary of his death, I realize the grief is still there.  I remember at the time he died how my mom shared that thirty years later she woke up crying about Diana (my sister who passed as a baby).  At that time of Ethan's death, this was hard to hear. I did not want to think that pain could last for thirty years.  I also didn't think I could survive the pain like that for 30 years.  However, three years later I understand this a little bit more.  That huge amount of pain is not there every day, but it is still there.  I still cry myself to sleep some nights remembering Ethan and feeling that pain.

Madilyn found a video in the car last week of the play Peter Pan and Wendy, the only one Ethan was ever in.  It was fun to see her point out Ethan every few minutes.  But, it was terribly painful seeing him dance and sing on that stage.  I want him to do that again. He was very cute :) I cried that day in the car.  I miss him, yet felt him with us.  Weird how emotions are.

The pain is still there, but I handle it in the waves it comes in.