I Made Myself Cry

I did make myself cry this morning.  Think about Errands for Ethan (errandsforethan.org), has Ethan on my mind a lot.  I miss this kid!  I still can't believe it sometimes.  I just shake my head as I am looking through things of his.
There are two reasons I think today is  hard.  First, Madilyn insisted I look at some of Ethan's things last night.  I try to do this when I have prepared myself for it. But, we let our kids look through Ethan's hope chest whenever they want.  Madilyn loves to read about Ethan and she especially likes to wear his clothes we have kept.  She cracks me up.  But, she reminded me how much she loved reading what others had written about him because they were so silly.  Ethan was very fun.  He kept us on our toes.  Second, we went to Nick Bowler's wedding reception last night.  We talked about Ethan there (thank you to those that will talk about him :)).  He loved Nick Bowler and the Bowlers (good friends) more than anything.  As we were looking through Ethan's things we found the letter he had written to Nick on his mission (one of the last things Ethan wrote).  It was hilarious.
But laughing this morning made me cry.  I think I am almost a little mad this morning.  Mad because Parker can't have his brother here to help him play basketball every day, mad because I don't get to see them grow up together, and I could go on but it doesn't help.  I am surprised a little by this emotion because it doesn't happen very often.
I did find something that Ethan wrote and I enjoyed the memories.

He wrote this (my scanner is down):
Ethan's Mother
I like to snugle with her.
I like when she plays games with me.
I like to help my mom clean the house.
I like to help my mom clolean the dishis.
love Ethan

This reminds me of two things:  I do like to play games and snuggle with my kids, but I love a clean house!  I am still that way.  He knew me well :)

Save the little notes.  They are awesome to go back and read.

How I would never wish this experience of losing a child on anyone.