Missing Him

Here we are almost two years after losing Ethan, and yesterday felt like I had just lost him.

It was terribly hard just missing him.

I wanted to cry all day, but didn't.

I just thought about him a lot.

This is normal, I am sure-having days where it just hits you.

Part of what makes it hard is watching Ethan's friends grow up.

I've said it before.

I have such a difficult time not being mad about it.

Why my child?

Why didn't it happen to someone else?

Again, I am sure these are normal questions (I hope).

The other hardest time is watching my kids grow up without him.

I can hardly stand it when Parker feels he doesn't have anyone to play with.

He always used to.

I try so hard to keep these thoughts to myself, besides this writing.

One, because I don't want my kids to think I don't love Ethan more than them.

And two, others around me think I should be "over it."

I am not sure I will ever be over anything.

My mom told me she woke up one morning 30 years after losing her child and was just sobbing.

There will be days I will just cry.

Most of the time I just think about Ethan and smile.