As I start each new week, there is something I always have to remind myself. I constantly remind myself that its okay that Ethan died. I have to do this self talk to get through. I am hoping some day it doesn't have to be as often.
I don't wake up crying or continue being sad all day, but I do think about Ethan every single day. I think about what he might be doing today, where he might be going, what he is able to think about us, and any other thing someone might want to know about their child.
Just like I think about all of my children, I think about Ethan. He is a driving force for how I live my life. I want to see him again someday. I want my children to know how much he loved them and I want us to never forget.
I guess that's the fear we live with. We don't want to forget.
Some wise words from my sister-in-law months ago: "You need to let yourself know its okay to forget."
This sister-in-law lost two daughters in a car accident a few years back. I love that she told me this, because it makes it easier as I try to climb back into the dark parts of my brain to remember ALL of Ethan's life. I just don't. I wish I could remember more. But, I am learning to let myself know its okay to forget.
I am always reminding myself that forgetting is part of healing, and really all of our memories are stored within us and God will make them available to us as we need to remember. It is absolutely one of the hardest things to balance in grief.
ReplyDeletevery very wise advice from your sister-in-law. and I love Julie's comment, too. "as we need to remember." I think it's perfect, and believe you'll have that gift as time goes by. xoxo
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