My Purpose

My purpose in writing this blog is to use it.  I use this blog to write about what its like every day since I have lost a child.  I started this blog about 6 months after losing Ethan and have made it a family blog, but it is also the place I use to share the snippets of life where the grief is always lingering.  If you were with me every day you would not see me cry a lot, you wouldn't even hear me talk about Ethan as much as I want to because people, in general, find it awkward and don't know what to say. I try to steer clear unless you are someone I know can handle it (a big shout out to those who will always listen to an Ethan story).

When I write here, I write for myself to get out the thoughts I have and hope everyone realizes they are just moments in time that I share.  Every single day is a journey to "making it". "Making it" meaning how to be a better person, how to serve better, and how to look outside myself so my grief never gets the better of me.
Also, making it until the day I can see my child again.  Its given me more purpose in life, so I share that.   In the beginning, I felt I was "faking it until I make it".  Now, I am happy again.  I really am.  I can find joy in the every day.  This is something I was never sure would happen again.

However, its only been a short 18 months since Ethan died.  I still cry.  I still grieve daily.  I am a grieving mom and always will be.  For those who find it "weird", you won't ever understand unless you too have lost a child.  I didn't understand before.  I always thought when my sister-in-law lost her girls that she was a little strange.  Yep.  I did.   I couldn't understand how she could watch a video or have pictures everywhere because I found it so heartbreaking.  Now, on the other end of things, I understand.  I understand it is how she kept her girls' memories alive.  A video is the closest thing to seeing them again, and pictures are gold.  I get it now.  I can't get enough pictures or videos.

I hope in sharing all these moments and thoughts I have, I don't give those who read this the wrong impression.  I am just giving a window into my mind and thoughts that I usually can't share.  I have shared when I am "depressed", so there is no need to worry.  I will be okay.  My grief won't overcome me and I do find joy every day.  I do struggle with guilt, but that is me.  I have always struggled with guilt.  You are just reading about it, so it seems more obvious.  I know I don't have to feel guilty about anything.  There is always a little tug at the heart and that's where the guilt creeps in.

We, as a family, talk about Ethan, celebrate Ethan, and pray for Ethan daily.  He will always be a part of our family.  In keeping him part of our earthly family, we keep him in our minds and thoughts by frequently talking about him and celebrating his life.

(Yes, there have been a couple people that have brought this up to me.  Since, it was a couple of you, I thought I would share where I am coming from.)