Getting Ready

As we are getting ready for Ethan's birthday next weekend and deciding how to celebrate, so many emotions pop up.  I do sometimes HATE (I know its a strong word) that I have a birthday to celebrate without a child.  I hate that memories are harder and harder to hold on to.  I hate that I have a new normal without Ethan.  I hate that I am jealous of Ethan's friends that continue to grow up here on this earth.  I hate that I miss him ALL of the time.  I hate that I make people uncomfortable when I talk about him---I'll still do it, just don't like how uncomfortable it is.  I hate that its my reality to live with this.  I hate that sometimes I can't cry.  I hate that sometimes I can't control the crying.  I say 'hate' but its really just 'annoyed with' but 'hate' seems to get the message across. 

I love my Ethan.  I love celebrating his little life.  I love that as a family we can work together through this.  I just can't believe he would be 9 next week!  Ah!  To think, its only been about 18 months since we lost him and it seems like yesterday, but also seems like forever ago.  I WISH he was here with us.

Last night I couldn't let go of the memory at the hospital when I collapsed on the floor crying and saying, 'I want my baby back!"  I still do.  I want him back.  It feels selfish saying that, but I still do.  I miss him terribly and wish, by some miracle I could get him back.  Darn it.  Then, reality sets in again.  Nope.  Just continue on and I'll see him again one day.  I just WISH I knew when this would be because its hard without him.  It's just hard.