Its Different

As I am preparing to take a family vacation with my family, I am sad.  I am more sad than I have been in a while.  I am sad because it is stressful getting ready, but I am also sad because as I pictured this family reunion that we have been planning on for five years, I never figured I wouldn't be there with all my kids physically.  Its very strange. 

We have taken a couple of vacations without Ethan already, but this is different for me somehow.  I hate that it is.  I want to just think everything is okay and just keep going with life.  I can't.  My life stopped about 16 months ago.  It stopped in ways I didn't realize it would.  It's also changed in ways I didn't think it would.

I am also sad because my phone died and had the last videos and pictures of Ethan on it and the store couldn't get them off.  I really enjoyed being able to see and listen to Ethan's voice whenever I wanted because it was right there on the phone.  I couldn't get my contacts off either, so if you were in my phone (or would like to be :)) please message me your phone number. 

I wrote the above paragraphs yesterday.  Some days are just harder than others.  I think today will be better. But, I have tried to be honest in how I feel and yesterday was not easy.